Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
