Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
