I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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