Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
