I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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