The police scanner is talking about you again....
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize