The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
