Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
