hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
