i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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