My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
