my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
