Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
