does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
