In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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