Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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