where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i don't like sucking hair
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
