my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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