I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize