I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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