you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
