Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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