I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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