I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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