Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
