one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I love you. Go after that dick
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
