You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
