he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
