im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
