A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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