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as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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