You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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