her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
