I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the condom got lost in my hair
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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