Umm I'm too high to move.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
