Your mouth is God's brothel.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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