after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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