Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
