Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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