Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
