Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
