Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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