so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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