i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
