My sheets look like a crime scene.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She bit a glass in half.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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