who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
