I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize