is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
