Moan for me like Helen Keller
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize