I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You pole danced in your parka.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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