And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
