Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
