It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Couch. On fire.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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