Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
