Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
