I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
